10-Year-Old-Me Writing Comparison: Anda and Philip
Hello writers! I thought it would be fun to compare a story I wrote when I was 10 to the edited version. The version that sounds worse is 10-year-old me’s writing. Enjoy!
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EDITED
Technically, no one was supposed to swim in the river. There were signs all along the path leading to it, but when you can jump the back fence and land on the river side…
Besides, nothing bad ever really happened in that tiny cottage home. The scariest moments were probably when the beans burned on the stove and the smoke detector went off, or when the neighbors’ huge bulldog chased the cousins around the yard. So today, today, the cousins had finally convinced their parents to let them go down to the river!
Anda and Philip lived in the last two cottages on Wind River Ln. with their parents and Philp’s little sister, Ella. Though every house on Wind River Ln. was small, the backyards were huge! A gnarled hollow oak hobbled in the gale just outside the back door. In the grass waved poppies and bluebonnets, so that when one stepped onto it, a strong, sweet, outside smell came up. Plum and peach trees dotted the yard in front of the porch, but farther back all kinds of rough-barked oaks, and vines twisted into a jumble. For a hundred yards this mass kept up, until it cleared to reveal a smooth, black, metal-railed fence. There, the wind blew spray from the river, splashing the children on their freckled faces, as if inviting them to play.
And how they wished they could swim in it! The water looked so cool when the sun was egg-frying hot, but their mothers were skeptical. For all 11 years of her life, all Anda had been allowed to do was look.
ORIGINAL
The front of the yard was dotted with fruit trees, but the back was mostly an overgrown mass. There was one hollow, odd-shaped sort of tree in front of the mass that was dead. But the best part was being able to feel the wind-blown water splash on their faces from the river behind the fence. The cousins wished they could swim in it. The water looked so cool on hot summer days, but their mothers thought they weren’t old enough to go in such dangerous water.
EDITED
It all began on a Saturday. Anda and Philip slouched on the couch, tapping their fingers on the table, barely speaking a word.
“Why don’t y’all go outside?” Anda’s dad asked.
“Don’t feel like it.”
“Wanna…read a book?” Philip’s dad suggested.
“Nope.”
“How about helping me fold clothes?” Anda’s mother motioned to the laundry basket piled high.
“Mmmm” Anda groaned. That was the voice her mother used that meant, “Chore time! Everyone, come help out!” She slowly rose from the chair. Uhhhh! Long day!
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After what seemed like hours of folding to Anda, the clothes were all put away neatly in the drawers and closets. Sighing, Anda seated herself back on the recliner. The dads were whispering in the corner. The moms were chatting about some club meeting that evening. Anda and Philip stared at nothing in particular.
“Hey kids! Wanna go down to Stonepool River?”
The mom turned from their conversation to stare at the dads. The cousins’ eyes were wide. Even Ella, Philip’s little sister, stopped playing.
“Um, David! Are you sure about this?
“Yeah, sure! The signs are old. Remember when they were doing construction on the bike path? They must’ve forgotten to pull down all the signs. I’ve been down there, and it looks okay. It’ll be fine, honey!” The cousins danced around the living room.
“Hooray, Hooray!”
Before the moms could change their minds, the children whizzed back into the room with their swimsuits, life jackets and toys. Anda had gotten a new, beautiful teal life jacket, and she was excited to try it on. It was a little too big, but Anda hardly noticed. She didn’t want to wear her old life jacket which had a hole in it and a ketchup stain from the time she had her birthday party at the lake. Soon, the cousins were lined up at the door. Well! What can a mom do?
“Alright! But DON’T GO IN ABOVE YOUR WAIST. And ALWAYS STAY IN SIGHT OF AN ADULT! Understand?”
“Okay! Let’s go!” cried Anda.
“No horseplay! Make sure you tighten your life jackets! And don’t forget…”
ORIGINAL
So the day the cousins’ parents told them they were going to swim in Whirlpool River, June 28th, they dressed so fast that the adults sent Philip’s dad, David, to watch Anda and Philip while the others dressed in their swimming gear.
Anda had gotten a new, beautiful teal life jacket, and she was excited to try it on. When she put it on though, it was too big, even at the smallest size. But it was so pretty that Anda didn’t tell her parents. She didn’t want to wear her old life jacket which had a hole in it and a ketchup stain from the time she had her birthday party at the lake.
EDITED
Philip sprinted ahead of Anda who skipped beside her Uncle David.
“Don’t go in the water!” Philip’s dad shouted after him. Philip arrived on the sandy cove long before the others. He kicked off his sandals and immediately began searching for something interesting to add to his collection at home. Philip kept a pile of odd things in his house, which he claimed he was going to make inventions out of. Each day, the pile grew larger one thing at a time. Philip continued to scavenge. He found a few snail shells, but they were common ones, so he threw them into the rushing water. Soon, Philip found a sharp piece of blue glass, and a spool of old, white thread.
ORIGINAL
Philip ran ahead of Anda who walked with her Uncle David.
“Don’t go in the water!” Philip’s dad shouted after him. Philip arrived on the tree-covered sandy beach long before the others, and immediately began searching for something interesting for his collection at the house. Philip kept a pile of odd sorts of things in his house, which he claimed he was going to make inventions out of, but most of them were just sitting in his room. He found a few snail shells, but they were common ones, so he threw them into the rushing water. Soon, Philip found a sharp piece of blue glass, and a spool of old, white thread.
EDITED
Just then, his dad and Anda stepped onto the beach. Anda was already slipping off her shoes. After Philip’s dad made sure Philip’s life jacket was secure (not Anda’s, who insisted hers was tight enough already), Anda wandered off to the far side of the beach.
“Kids!” Glass and thread in hand, Philip turned around.
“Yes?”
“You remember the rules, right?”
“Yes, Dad!” said Philip. Anda didn’t answer. She was gazing along the shore of the river, grinning.
“You may go play in the water now!”
“Hooray!” shouted the cousins.
ORIGINAL
Just then, his dad stepped onto the beach. After he made sure Philip’s life jacket was secure (not Anda’s, who insisted hers was tight enough already), Anda wandered off to the far side of the beach.
“Philip!” Glass and thread in hand, he turned around.
“Yes?”
“Son, stay where you can see us. Do not go out of our sight! If you cannot see us, you are too far! Do you understand?”
“Yes Dad!”
“You may go play in the water now!”
“Hooray!” shouted the cousins.
EDITED
“Philip! Look at that rock! It’s like a rock wall! Come on!” cried Anda
“Anda! Wait!” But Anda had already taken off. She giggled as cold water splashed at her feet. Then she rushed into the water upstream and disappeared behind a pine tree. Philip stuffed glass and thread in his pocket and raced to follow her. She was far ahead of him. He ran faster.
ORIGINAL
“Philip! Race you to that tree!” Anda pointed to a tree, well hidden among the other trees, and not visible by the beach.
“Anda! Wait!” But Anda had already taken off. She giggled as cold water splashed at her feet. Then she rushed into the water and disappeared behind a towering pine. Philip stuffed the glass and thread in his pocket and raced to follow her a hundred yards behind.
EDITED
Meanwhile, water swirled around Anda’s knees as she pushed her way through the water. The water rose higher. The current was strong, but Anda had confidence in her feet firmly planted on the bottom of the river. Anda pushed her leg through the water. She waded a little farther, putting her foot out to take a step, but without warning, the sandy bottom gave way. Anda felt her foot sinking into water. Surely the bottom’s not that far down! Her head went under the water, and her life jacket slipped over her head. The current immediately shoved Anda forward with a force that knocked her breath out.
“Anda!” Philip shouted. He watched helplessly as his cousin was carried downstream. “Dad!”
But no one answered. There was no time. Anda, who had been farther upstream than he was, now came closer and closer. She was in his reach. He held out his hand to grab her arm, but in the same moment, something tugged his foot loose and he was jerked forward into the jaws of Stonepool River. Only One could save them now.
ORIGINAL
“Anda! No! Dad said to stay…” It was too late. Anda slipped and was carried away down the rushing river towards Philip.
“Anda!” Philip glanced around. His dad, who was supposed to be watching the cousins, was distracted finding snail shells on the sand. Even if I do call him, he won’t hear me, thought Philip. Suddenly, a few yards away, he saw Anda. As she whooshed by him, he grabbed her arm, but Philip also lost his footing, and fell into the hands of the current. The water was above their heads in the deepest parts, and stronger than a bull. The current pushed Anda under so long she thought her lungs would burst, but before they did, she bobbed up to the surface.
“Lord! Save me!” cried Anda.
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Anda and Philip was the first novel that I completed…at 15K words. To give you context, the average Middle Grade novel contains about 30K words. I hope this encourages you that even if your book sounds really terrible right now, you will improve. You will get better if you keep practicing. See you next time!